What the Crappity Crap Is This Fic Anyway
by Oh My Freakin' Freakin
Summary: Just a little something I wrote at 12:30 AM. Breaking a Psyche-Lock gone horribly, horribly wrong. Rated T for extreme what-the-crap-ness. CRAPFIC


**AUTHOR'S NOTE: This fic is part of a whole new genre of fanfic I just invented. I call it Crapfic. Cool, huh? Anyway, this was originally supposed to be part of a longer, more complicated fanfic I was writing earlier before I took this part out for being whatthecrapsicle, so it kinda starts in the middle of nowhere. Basic summary up to the beginning of the Crapfic: Some chick called Ryxxie (this is from my weird-character-names stage, can you tell?) is accused of murder, and Phoenix is her lawyer. He thinks that there's something Ryxxie's hiding from her, so he questions Ryxxie's roommate, Nada (again with the names. It's like, what the crap?) about Ryxxie after finding a dagger under Ryxxie's pillow. And then I lost the notebook, and then I found it again, and then I started writing in it at midnight. (You got to love the ideas I get at midnight. That's why this whole thing here is so amazingly screwed up. Read at your own risk.) **

"Ryxxie's my roommate, Mr. Wright. We're practically sisters." Nada informed me, flipping her hair over her shoulder. "I know her like I know myself. So believe me when I tell you that she's just a sweet little girl at heart."

Nada's Psyche-Lock glowed, and I knew I had what it took to break her lies. I pulled out the dagger and slammed it on the table. "Really? Because my assistant found this under Ryxxie's pillow, and that's one heck of a teddy bear."

Nada didn't really react the way I was expecting. She shrugged. "Okay, so Ryxxie's a sweet little girl who sleeps with a dagger under her pillow. So?" She picked up the dagger and turned it over in her hands, mindful of the razor-sharp blade.

"... You don't find that...suspicious... at all?" I asked, hitting resistance to my trump evidence.

"Nope." She tossed her hair over her shoulder again. "Oh, and there's something else you should see. C'mon." She turned and started to go up the stairs.

"Hey! Come back h-" I realized that I wasn't sounding professional. Right. Appearances are everything. I settled into my lawyers' 'oh-no-you-don't' pose: head up, shoulders back, one hand behind the hip, and a cheeky grin- and spoke with calm authority. "Nada, I don't think you'll be able to change the subject so easily. Ryxxie is my client, after all, and if you want me to be able to help her, you'll have to help m- Where are you going?" She had turned around to look at me when I first spoke, but now she was continuing up the stairs, despite my pose and everything. This wasn't supposed to happen.

"I told you, there's something else you should see!" She called over her shoulder, slowing down.

"But _I_ told _you_ not to change the subject like that!" This was not supposed to happen. They were supposed to stop when I did the pose and the voice.

"Well, I told you first, and it is my house."

"But- But- But I have a badge! Look at it! It's all shiny and everything!"

Nada didn't even glance back this time. I sighed, and followed her upstairs. Who knew, if it was something about Ryxxie, it might turn out to be helpful to the case. I caught up with Nada outside the door to Ryxxie's room.

"Um, what did you want to show me, again?" I asked, slightly out of breath from running up the stairs. Note to self: Look into gym membership.

"Did you happen to see what _else _Ryxxie keeps under her pillow?" She asked me.

"Um, no, not really." I responded, confused.

"Here." Nada opened the door to Ryxxie's room and made a beeline for the bed, stepping over the clutter on the floor without even having to look at it. I took longer to get there, once nearly tripping on a shoe that had escaped my sight.

When I got there, Nada had already moved the pillow aside and was holding a... was holding something vaguely pencil-shaped... wrapped in purple-and-white swirl plastic. I didn't know what it was, but it seemed to radiate embarrassment. It didn't help that when I was avoiding the clutter, I had been unable to help noticing a surprising amount of... feminine undergarments... laying around.

"This." Nada said, waving the highly-personal-looking something around. She seemed to think that would explain everything.

"Um... what exactly is that?" I asked, my extra-sensory embarrassment tingling.

Nada stared at me like I'd just asked her why she had hair. She waved the... thing... again.

"You don't know what this is?" She asked, still staring.

"Um, no. I don't, really." I could feel my face getting redder and redder.

She unwrapped the highly-personal-looking something to reveal a blue plastic, vaguely torpedo-shaped, even _more _highly-personal-looking something. Something in the back of my head, something that I remembered vaguely from commercials I tried not to watch and supermarket aisles that I always hurried past, was screaming something at me, but the rest of my head was screaming LA LA LA I CAN'T HEAR YOU even louder back at it.

Nada looked at me, obviously expecting me to recognize the... thing.

"Um, I- I still don't know what that thing is..." I told her, certain that my face was about the color and temperature of an electric stove coil right now.

"Oh _god._" Nada said, staring at me like I'd just peed up a tree in public. "Have you _ever _had a girlfriend?"

"Um, once, in college, but it didn't really turn out particularly-"

"This," she said, with the air of someone who cannot believe they have to explain whatever it is they were explaining, "is a _tampon._"

My brain shut down, screaming. "Oh." I said. "Um."

*awkward awkward awkward*

"Um." I said again. "Why are you showing this to me, again?"

"My point was that Ryxxie keeps things under her pillow just in case."

"...And why did I need to see _that _to get that point?"

Nada rolled her eyes. "My _point _is that you don't put a tampon in your vagina when you're not menstruating, right?"

My brain, just shut down, began to whimper. I couldn't think of anything to say to that question.

Nada seemed to expect a response. "Well? _Do you?_"

At that point, I realized three things: One, oh my god my brain is burning; two, my brain is still burning and Nada still had the dagger from downstairs in the hand that wasn't holding the ta- _thing_; and three, this was not really the time to start explaining to her what gender I was.

"Um, no, I'd have to say that I personally do not." I somehow managed to say, wincing as my own words reached my ears.

"Exactly!" Nada said, with emphasis. "And if you don't stick a tampon up your vagina when you're not menstruating, you don't stick a dagger in someone who's not about to kill you, right?"

I have no idea what I replied to this, but it probably came out as a whimper. Nada wasn't satisfied that her point was made, though. She advanced towards me, holding the dagger.

"So, for example, if you just happened to be within stabbing reach of me, and if I just happened to have a dagger, would I stab you?"

"I really hope not..." I tried to say, but I was so scared that I forgot how to move my tongue, and what came out of my mouth was more of an unintelligible squeak.

"Not unless you were trying to kill me." She answered her own question, still holding the dagger.

"I'm not! I'm really not!" I hastened to assure her.

"Okay then." She said calmly, putting down the dagger and sitting down on the bed. "I think that point has been proven."

My gaze was still, inexorably, drawn to the blue plastic _thing _she held in her hand. She noticed, and held it up as though she was looking at it for the first time.

"So, you've _seriously_ never seen one of these before?" She asked.

I nodded, speechless.

"Okay, so what you do is you hold it by this flat part here and slowly push the rounded end into your v-"

It was just too much.

"Oh!" I said loudly, pretending to look at my watch. Too late, I realized I didn't wear one, but decided to press on regardless. It was a desperate situation, after all. "I just remembered! I have somewhere I need to be really soon! In fact, like, now! In fact, I'm actually late! Sorry! I have to go!" I got out of there as fast as I possibly could, not waiting to see if she'd noticed my imaginary watch.

I was already back at the office, trying to deep-cleanse my brain cells, when I even remembered about the Psyche-Lock.

**A/N: ...Yup, what the crap. Hi people.**


End file.
